I GOT BAPTISED!!!!

With long wavy hair almost to my knees, flowing just as my floral dress did, a pen in one hand and paper in the other, I jotted down "Dear Jesus"...

Writing to Jesus was my favourite thing to do, in fact it's one of my first memories. I was writing to Jesus before I knew how to spell properly. Once my letter was written I would run outside with pure excitement and place the letter somewhere Jesus could come and collect it. In my innocence I had no idea that Jesus could have read my words as I wrote them or that he knew what I was going to write before the pen even touched the paper.

I wrote to him when the times were good, and I wrote to him when the times were bad, and I swear it's what kept me going some days even as that little girl.

I had no one around me that was also a Christian, I was the only one. I saw Jesus in a children's Bible at the doctors surgery during an appointment one day and that was it, I fell in love with him. I was three years old. My immediate family were so shocked that I was so faithful and so loving towards God at such a young age. Nothing for years could have waivered me, and I had no Christian influence on earth other than that children's Bible at the Doctors Surgery.

Despite not having anybody around me that was also Christian, my Mum was still supportive, she never told me not to believe or that I was wrong. She didn't believe entirely herself but she never influenced my beliefs. In fact, she told me a story once that her Mum had told her when she was a little girl. That story became my most favourite story, even though it had no biblical reference.

It went something like this...

One day a little brown bird was perched on the branch of a tree when it saw Jesus being pulled through the streets of Jerusalem, bent under the weight of a heavy cross. A crown of thorns pierced His head making his head bleed. The small brown bird felt sorry for Him and flew down. To ease the pain a little, the bird plucked out a thorn from His head. On the thorn was a drop of blood which fell onto the breast of the small bird. That red stain is there to this day. As thanks for the efforts of that one small brown bird to ease Christ’s suffering, all the small brown birds, male and female, were given a red breast by God. They are so pleased with their fine red breast, that they always proudly fluff it up as if to say to onlookers, ”Look at just how beautiful I am!” It was the striking colour of this bird’s breast that lead to people referring to it as the “redbreast”. The robin has became one of the most well-known and well-loved of all birds.

After hearing that story, I as a small child would ask God to send me a sign. I wouldn't ask always but when I needed him the most I would always ask to see a robin red breast to show me that I wasn't alone.

Without question, almost every time I asked... God delivered. Even during the seasons the robin red breast isn't usually present I would see one. Sometimes only briefly and other times it would land on a fence in front of me and sit there for a little bit before flying off.

When I would see this sign from God, it cemented in my heart how much God was there for me and how much I loved him.

My love didn't stop until I was roughly 12.

I was then indoctrinated by school, I was influenced by peers, and led astray by Satan. I didn't have the best life, and the spirit of rejection was put upon me from a young age which fuelled my self hatred. Then it was just a domino effect, one bad thing happened after another, and I got so good at dealing with the bad, I started to unconsciously self sabotage anything that could have possibly been good.

I forgot who God was, I didn't believe in Jesus anymore, but the saddest thing... I hated that little girl with the wavy hair and floral dress, who would so lovingly write to Jesus everyday. I hated her.

Life was tough and it led me to hate God. My heart grew more bitter and more closed with each trauma. I lost who I was completely. I completely changed.

But as I changed, Satan was there... picking me up, with lies.

With a voice much louder than the truth and I was too hurt to distinguish the difference.

I started dabbling into the occult. I was into Tarot Cards, Oracle Cards and healing crystals. It so innocently started as new age spiritualism, but it got darker and darker with every step forward. I became depressed, suicidal and I was self harming almost daily from the age of 13. I would carve words like "Worthless, Hated, Unloved, Fat, Ugly" into my flesh. I was punishing myself because I truly believed those things.

How wrong was I.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made Psalm 139:14

One day I will tell my full testimony because to get through the things I have gone through, and to survive the trauma I have physically and mentally, despite how loud Satan was through those times, God was bigger... I just didn't know it.

But ultimately, God kept me alive... again, and again, and again.

In March of 2013 I declared I had made an awful mistake and begged God for forgiveness, broken down, on the pavement of a warm driveway, on my knees, with tears rolling down my face.

Since 2013 I have had such a journey. I was in and out of Church. I couldn't read the bible, despite trying. Bad things were still happening, life wasn't going as intended. But I hadn't made active changes to my behaviour either. I was still living a life of sin. Sure, I believed in God, I asked for forgiveness, but to repent is to "turn around," that is, to change the direction of your life. More than just a change in your emotions, repentance involves a change in your thinking and in your actions. I was very careful not to go anywhere near pagan or occult things, but I was still partying occasionally, drinking, and having relationships with men outside of marriage. If asked I would have never publicly denounced God, I loved him, but I was in such a cycle of sin that I didn't think it was that bad.

In 2016 I started to get serious about my relationship with God.

Things in my life started to settle down, and I started to become settled within myself. I prayed to God more, I asked him to help me understand the Bible. God answered those prayers, my understanding of the Bible grew much deeper, I was able to start Bible Studying. I started an online Bible Studies group which has grew beautifully over the last 18 months. I started to turn away from the world, and rely on God more.

Things were still hard for me though. The closer I became to God the more spiritually attacked I became. My mental health kept going up and down like a yoyo. I gained weight again, which really affected my mental health, and it triggered the negative self image issues.

I just kept praying to God.

Sometimes I would yell at him "WHY DONT YOU LOVE ME"

"WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH"

I said to my Husband, "When you are talking to God again, can you please remind him that I exist"... I truly felt like I was forgotten. I couldn't hear him or feel him.

Which goes against everything God has said to us, but Satan was getting in my head again. I kept persevering, there was nothing that was going to turn me from God again... I just had to keep persevering.

I had to cover myself with the Armour of God daily, and open up the sword!

I ended up seeking a deliverance, and after that my whole world changed.

I felt like a weight was lifted from me, and I could focus on God's word easier, I started sleeping properly again, and I didn't feel depressed anymore.

I started to get convicted to get Baptised.

I wanted the most perfect baptism because I knew it would be the best day in my whole entire life. I wanted the perfect outfit, I wanted everyone who meant the world to me there, I wanted a certain person to baptise me, and I wanted a professional photographer there to capture the moment so I could look back and remember the day effortlessly.

Isn't funny how when we think we are in control, God knocks us off our high horse and reminds us who exactly is in control?

He was like "No Emma, when the timing is right, you will be baptised in MY timing" and that alone made it perfect.

Leading up to today I had been praying that I would find fellowship, and meet more and more Christians. God answered those prayers. Four new people came into my life only recently who I am very blessed to be building relationships with.

One of those people was a guy who I went to school with. While we were at school together neither of us were believers.

We weren't friends, we hung in different circles and the relationship we had with each other at school was passing each other in the school corridor. Minus a few parties we attended together after we left school but we would only talk if we were in a group of people all chatting together.

How amazing is it now this guy ended up baptising me?

Praise the Lord.

Yesterday he wrote to me and prodded my thoughts about baptism. I explained that I feel the Lord prompting me to get baptised but I was waiting for a special person to baptise me, and that I wanted it to be just the way I have pre organised it.

God had other plans.

I had this rush of emotions come over me and I just blurted out to my five year old daughter "Eva, Yes I am waiting for Shane to baptise me but its working in my favour" she looked at me puzzled, and said "what do you mean Mum?", I said "I'm scared Eva, I don't want people looking at me, I'm scared of an audience, I don't want to get into water with the weight I've gained, and waiting until the borders open up is keeping me in a comfort zone". I expected this innocent child to understand what I was talking about. Luckily for me, God works through her in ways I cannot even understand.

She looked at me and I saw tears fill her eyes, she came over and placed her hand on my cheek and she said "I will probably be worried about things when I am a lady too, but we don't have to worry because God is with us. God will be with you when you get baptised, and Jesus will be watching and I will be right at the front watching you too".

I just bursted in to tears, she was right... How can a five year old be so wise?

I said "Eva you are right!! The more I put this off the less baptised I am for God".

I wrote back to Dan and I said "... when can we do it?" Initially we planned it for Saturday but I was keen, so I wrote back... "Tomorrow?" … he replied "Tomorrow it is", I said "Rain, hail or shine".

The only request I had was I wanted Mum there, and I wanted it at Lake Burbury.

Yesterday I went looking at the perfect spot at Lake Burbury because there are different location entrances to different spots.

As we drove down one of the roads a robin red breast was sitting in the middle of the road, and as we got closer it flew away. I looked at my husband and started crying. This was the spot.

Now it was just a matter of having a good night sleep and waiting for today to arrive.

I woke this morning to it absolutely pouring, actually it was hailing on and off.

I couldn't stop thinking how cold it was going to be in the lake but I was prepared to show God, it was nothing compared to what he has done for me.

The time came and we set off to the stunning spot I believe God chose for me when he sent the robin red breast, but I had no idea just how beautiful it was going to be until we got there.

Travelling down the road my Mum said "this is the spot that Uncle Tommy's ashes were scattered. Its amazing this spot was chosen. Pop would walk down here from Gormy and he would forage and camp by the river."

My Uncle Tommy and my Pop were two people I loved dearly and to know that just made me so happy today.

As we pulled up in our cars, Mum noticed the mountain and said "would you believe it? when we scattered Tommy's ashes there was snow on the mountain, and it was the middle of summer, and today in the middle of spring there is snow on the mountain again" she then looked out the side window and she exclaimed in complete awe "Emma look, there's a rainbow" and sure enough over the lake there was this massive rainbow, and as I looked out towards the mountains overlooking the lake there was snow sitting on the peaks just as she had observed only moments before.

It couldn't have been more perfect.

When Dan (my beautiful friend who was baptising me) touched his toes on the waters edge he said "OOO I don't know if I'm even going to be able to able to talk in here, its FREEZING". He was right, as soon as I entered I lost my breath, I could hardly breath... talk about breath taking haha.

With snow caps in front of me, and a big beautiful rainbow in the sky to the right of me, I was baptised.

I declared my love for God and I can remember Dan asking me before I was dunked "Do you believe Jesus died for our sins on the cross" and I was thinking "If I didn't there is no way I would be standing in this icy cold water otherwise".

Rain, Hail or Shine. It didn't matter. My love for God today and everyday meant so much more than what the weather had in store.

As I came out of the water, I felt so warm. I can't explain it. I knew I was cold, but I felt warm. I felt loved.

I FELT LOVED.

My husband was right there beside me, my friend Dan on my other side, my Mum on the waters edge, my children front row, just like Eva promised, and the Lord right above me.

... and as we drove off a robin red breast flew past my car and perched on the tree in front of me.

During my hard times I kept thinking to myself; I wonder what I would be like without all the hurt, I wonder who I would be without the trauma, because it does change you. I always wished that I could go back to being that little girl...

... I believe today I did.

As I re-emerged from the water, God restored me and sending me the robin redbreast straight after my baptism was his way of telling me this.

He communicated in the way the little girl used to communicate with him roughly 26 years ago.

GOD IS GOOD & IN HIS TIME EVERYTHING IS PERFECT.

I am so blessed and so lucky, I am feeling so thankful.

I love you Lord.